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Mar. 6th, 2017 | 09:10 pm
music: "But Not Tonight" - Depeche Mode

You know that old Lovecraftian staple, where a character is imbued with Eldritch knowledge, and ends up either institutionalized or suicidal? I've only recently come to the conclusion that I find this quite relatable.

Listen, I don't know why, but everyone I know seems to think that I am the one person that they should trust all their secrets to. Ever since I was, god, I don't know, eight years old. Do I just have that look about me? That "I-won't-tell-a-soul" look? Have they ever considered that perhaps these secrets might be some kind of burden on me? No, all they think about is unburdening themselves by telling someone else, who is almost always me.

I guess you could say I'm a firm believer in miracles. After all, it is quite a miracle that I have not killed anyone yet.

I have already broken down in tears twice in the month of february. I am not optimistic about the rest of the year. Not one bit.

Ahhh, fuck. I'm gonna find some video game to play.

Sometimes it feels like video games are the only things that have kept me sane these past three years.


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Fanfic recs 2: the return

Feb. 24th, 2017 | 12:17 am
music: "Wild Inside" - Cougar Synth

Yo sup bitches. I'm bored and I've been reading a lot of fanfiction lately sooooooo...

  • Soldier of Spira

  • Fandom: Final Fantasy X

  • Summary: Auron is a hard man in a hard world. He has a job to do and he can't let anyone or anything get in his way. Can anyone bring light back into his dark world? Now aurikku. Follows the game, but pretty AU now.

  • Status: Probably dropped, it hasn't been updated since 2007. (Kill me.)

  • Comments: This is my favorite piece of fanfic- no, scratch that, this is my favorite piece of any writing, ever that I have ever read. The writer adds intrigue and details that make the world of FFX so much more fascinating, his characterizations of Auron and Rikku are incredibly interesting and compelling, the romance and the pace it takes is g r e a t, and at 76 chapters and over six hundred thousand words, you better fucking get cozy. In short: I love this fanfic more than I love myself. The only downside is that it hasn't been updated in almost ten years as of this writing. (Seriously, I got to the last posted chapter and just felt dead inside, knowing that Half-Life 3 being released was more likely than this fanfic ever getting updated.)

  • Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness - The Novelisation

  • Fandom: Tomb Raider (who'da thunk it)

  • Status: Complete

  • Comments: A wonderful, engaging novelization of AOD, that manages to fill lots of plot holes and generally tie things together better than the game had. I can guarantee that reading this is about a million and one times more enjoyable than actually playing AOD. I also reccomend the writer's other Tomb Raider fics on the site! (I am praying that one day they may do an AOD sequel - if anyone can do it justice, I think they could.)

  • Hope Springs Eternal: A Suberranean Romance

  • Fandom: Disney's Hercules

  • Summary: (1999) Disney's "Hercules" sequel - In which Hades' kingdom is in danger, an immortal witch wants control, the Fates predict a miracle, and Hades falls flaming-head-over-smoking-heels in love. The usual stuff of myth. [SEE PROFILE PAGE FOR LINK TO ILLUSTRATED VERSION]

  • Status: Complete

  • Comments: A fic that puts a wonderfully fun (And well-researched) spin on the story of Hades and Persephone. It feels like it honestly could be a legit Disney film, aside from some mature subject matter and occasional swearing. The romance can get a little sappy at times (Which I'm okay with, but some people might not dig it.), and the humor is on. Fucking. Point. (Also, be warned that there's some smut, but it's not the main focus of the fic so that's why this isn't under the smutcut.)

  • The Joy of Battle: Historical Espionage Action

  • Fandom: Metal Gear Solid

  • Summary: Against the backdrop of World War II, the Cobra Unit unravels a web of intrigue and espionage among the Philosophers. Will the Joy and her unit choose loyalty to their countries... or to themselves? Rated for DSLV - please R&R, still editing

  • Status: Possibly dropped? Maybe on hiatus? Hasn't been updated since 2013. (Insert sotheresachance.gif here)

  • Comments: Do you like the Cobra Unit? Do you like historical accuracy (As much as the Metal Gear universe can afford)? Do you dig the Boss x the Sorrow? Do you like unfinished fanfics? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

  • The Ghost of the Great Hotel

  • Fandom: Twin Peaks

  • Summary: When a monster clawed it's way into her brain, Josie fled the confines of her body and became the ghost of the Great Northern. She's been watching ever since.

  • Status: Complete

  • Comments: I literally cannot say anything without spoiling. Just read it, it's not terribly long.

  • Why the Sun Sets Red

  • Fandom: Kingdom Hearts

  • Summary: An AU reimagining of 358/2 Days where the only person who came back alive from Castle Oblivion wasn't Axel, but Vexen.

  • Status: Complete

  • Comments: I'm only half-way through this, but I'm digging it so far. The unlikely friendship between Roxas/Xion and Vexen is funny, endearing, and heartwarming. edit after I finished: Also, pain.

  • The Shape of His Heart

  • Fandom: Final Fantasy X

  • Summary: Everybody's got a story. This one has poker, pudding, Ashura, Leviathan, and Perry Mason. Top that. Auron x Rikku, aurikku.

  • Status: Complete

  • Comments: It's been awhile since I read this one, so it isn't entirely fresh in my memory, but I remember enjoying it quite a bit.

  • Eight Mercenaries and a Toddler

  • Fandom: Team Fortress 2

  • Summary: When Respawn malfunctions and their annoying Scout is turned into something far more precocious, it'll take all of the RED team's wits and patience to look after him. At the same time, Engineer must find a way to turn Scout back into an adult before the BLUs-or anyone else-realizes what's happened. No pairings, just a bunch of exhausted trained killers and one hyperactive child.

  • Status: Complete

  • I'll Be Home for the Holidays

  • Fandom: Team Fortress 2

  • Summary: Lawrence Mundy Jr. hates the holiday season. And he especially hates when the holiday season forces him to deal with his overbearing parents, his abrasive brother-in-law, an oddly jittery Spy, and the mysterious going-ons of a factory in the distance...the sequel to Eight Mercenaries and A Toddler. Cover image by tomiyeee!

  • Status: Complete

  • Machines Don't Bleed

  • Fandom: Team Fortress 2

  • Summary: Gray Mann has made his endgame move. As rivals edge towards nuclear war and the doomsday clock ticks towards midnight, a motley band of mercenaries are the only ones brave enough (or stupid enough) to try and stop the end of civilization as they know it. The finale of Eight Mercenaries and A Toddler and I'll Be Home For the Holidays

  • Status: Complete

  • This is Where We Are Now

  • Fandom: Team Fortress 2

  • Summary: The compound at Teufort rises, sprawling, out of the desert as Miss Pauling’s car kicks up sand in the dry wind that’s already clogging your lungs. No amount of sunscreen can save you from the pale glare overhead; the only thing that eases your eyes is the brim of your homburg—and barely that. You’re still squinting as your escort stops the car outside the fence. “We’ll walk,” she says with a polite smile, lightly slapping the steering wheel with her driving gloves. / What it says on the tin: a reader-insert fic with a plausible tenth class. A quick-paced, slow-burn Reader/Medic fic. 50% realism, 50% escapism. 100% guilty pleasure.

  • Status: On-going (Was last updated about two months ago as of this writing.)

  • God's Child

  • Fandom: Resident Evil

  • Summary: Sherry Birkin's fate as you've never seen it before. Thrown into Wesker's world of intrigue, violence and madness, will she fight back against the darkness...or become part of it? SherryxWesker, SherryxJake. Reviews welcome!

  • Status: Maybe dropped, it has one chapter left to go and hasn't been updated since 2014. *shrugs* That said, I feel like the final two chapters tie up most loose ends and leave the ending kind of ~*~*~mysterious~*~*~

this is the smutcut for those of you that... have no self control I guess. I'm sorry but a girl's gotta have her sexytimes sometimes.Collapse )

That's all for now. More to be added later. Blaaaargh.

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Feb. 1st, 2017 | 10:16 pm

big imageCollapse )


In other news, here's those paintings I was talking about:

those paintings I was talking aboutCollapse )

Yeah, you can tell I really have no idea what I'm doing.

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Potato spider cometh

Jan. 24th, 2017 | 07:05 pm
music: "Ivy and Neet" - This Mortal Coil

Remember what I said last journal entry? Forget about it.

In other news, did you know I like to use Source Filmmaker? I don't do any... actual... uh... filmmaking, but I do like to make sfm posters with it. I just don't have the right kind of brain for animation, I think.

I also "like" to port stuff from XNAlara to SFM. (And rarely, the sims to SFM) I've actually ported quite a bit of stuff from xnalara, but most of it's been... kind of crappy. There have been a few good things, though. Mostly what I have problems with is characters. (Specifically, characters that you can actually see the face of.) Facial flexes, eye posing, issues with hair transparency... yeuch.

Here's my general XNA to SFM workflow:

1. Scale model to SFM proportions.
2. !!!!!CORRECTLY RENAME THE MATERIALS HOLY FUCK!!! (This got me into trouble with a model I did the other night. I had to completely disassemble the model, which broke the facial flexes that I worked so hard on.)
3. Remove doubles from model pieces.
4. Separate the right and left eye models and name their materials "eyeball_r" and "eyeball_l", respectively.
5. Merge appropriate model pieces.
6. Remove doubles again just to be sure.
7. Rename bones appropriately.
8. ?????Add facial flexes?????
9. Export as SMD. If Blender throws warnings in your face, ignore them.
10. Export again, this time as DMX.
11. Create QC file.
12. Use QCeyes to add eyeposing, hopefully.
13. Click the QC button in Blender. If it complains about weights, go into weight paint mode and limit totals to 2 or 1.
14. Open the SFM SDK and open the model viewer. Load your model and see if it looks okay.
15. Add textures with VTFedit. Press F5 in HLMV and see if the textures apply properly.
16. Open SFM proper and load model. Be amazed at how utterly crap it looks. Cry a little bit.

All that said, I think I'm slowly getting better at this.

Bluh bluh bluh. Was there something else I wanted to say?? I don't remember. Except Rom the vacuous spider is a pain and that chap with the birdcage on his head is no help.

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An Unpleastantness

Jan. 20th, 2017 | 10:14 pm
music: "Desire" - Gene Loves Jezebel

Let me just say that I have had a strange neurosis for... lets say about ten years ago. It involves me getting the idea into my head that I am dying. For awhile, it happened all the time, then stopped for about three or four years, then came back in full force in October of last year.

And now it is happening again.

I will admit that I am somewhat of a superstitious person, and I have the tendency to read into certain words and events that happen around me, which only accentuates this fear.

There is a ringing in my ears at night. This isn't part of the fear, this is from my ears being bombarded with noise from basically birth. My mother is insistent on leaving the TV on for twelve hours a day. I wonder what kind of fear that entails?

Last night I stayed up until one thirty watching the Joy of Painting with Bob Ross. It is my belief that if we all were just a little bit more like Bob Ross, the world would be some semblance of better. A little quieter, at the very least.

Bloodborne status report: Slightly less afraid of the Forbidden Woods. Have not attempted Darkbeast Paarl since the first couple of tries the other day. I believe Ludwig's Holy Blade has replaced the Saw Cleaver as my main weapon.

I thought this was amusing - an average day of browsing Pinterest:
Me when I accidentally see porn: That's cute.
Me when I accidentally see political posts: *!!!!!!PUKES!!!!!!!!*

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On Twin Peaks season 3

Jan. 18th, 2017 | 06:32 pm
music: "Between Two Hearts" - Samedi

It occurs to me that I could have included these thoughts in the previous entry, but I've already posted that, and I just decided to give this it's own separate entry.

I don't really know what I can say about new Twin Peaks, since we know so little. I know that I'm excited! I also have seen a few set photos a few months ago, that may or may not be accessible now.

I hope to go into it with very little expectations. However, I do hope that it retains some of the humor of the original series. (I realize I'm in the minority in this opinion. It seems most people want to the new season to be !!!EDGY AS FUCK!!!) While I enjoyed Fire Walk with Me, the bleakness of the whole thing makes me rank it below the original series. Don't get me wrong, I realize that FWWM's subject matter left very little room for humor, but the balance between seriousness, horror, surrealism, and humor is what endeared me to show when I originally watched it. It's my belief that, given the new season's broader scope, it will be more balanced than FWWM was. (What gives me hope for this is what Michael Horse (Deputy Hawk) said during an interview last year: "When you see Andy and Lucy in this, you’re gonna bust up. [Harry Goaz and Kimmy Robertson] are better than they ever were!")

I guess I do have some expectations after all.

Kind of related: Six years ago I made a reference on here to being mad that I could never get the season two DVD of Twin Peaks from Netflix. Well, as it turns out, I wouldn't get to watch season two until 2014, when Netflix streaming was finally not crap and I watched the whole series. And then season three was announced just a few months later.

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Fear the old blood

Jan. 18th, 2017 | 06:03 pm
music: "Pure Joy in My Heart" - Asylum Party

Have you ever taken a moment to look through the games on the Google Play store? I'd suggest doing so next time you need a good laugh, because the damn thing seriously has zero quality control. I'd tell you to take a shot every time you saw assets stolen from other games, but I think that would kill you. I've seen Francis from Left 4 Dead in a GTA clone, Harry Mason from Silent Hill: Shattered Memories in a border patrol simulator, characters from Five Night's at Freddy's in all manner of things, and there was that pizza game that Vinny played that featured a reskinned Alan Wake.

When these people aren't stealing assets, they're making their own, absolutely trashy ones. Seriously, I've seen PS1 games (BAD PS1 games) that look better than some of these games. There's also the "girl" games that... just... eugh. Let's not get into those.

Speaking of GTA clone, they have a LOT of GTA clones on the play store. And Pokemon Go clones. (One of which where you caught dogs that were called... pokedogs. Yeah.) And a bunch of... rope-swinging clones? (The only thing I can figure is that a very popular Spiderman mobile game was released and all the bootleg game developers wanted to cash in on that.)

Also, disclaimer time, I didn't download any of these trashy games I've mentioned, and neither should you. Who knows what kind of stanky adware will find it's way onto your device if you do.

Title is because I got Bloodborne for christmas and I've been playing it like crazy. Considering I've never played a From Software game before, I'm... surprisingly not terrible at this game? I mean, yes, I have died in that game a ridiculous amount of time, and there has been some burning of the salt mines, but as of yet it hasn't made me want to throw my controller or just up and quit. In fact, I find myself wanting to continue to persevere through the game. I can't get mad at it for being hard, because I know that it's just the game's nature. All that said, I am thoroughly enjoying the game. So much so, that I've been putting two to five hours a day into it. It's... bloody good. *badum-tsh*

(For those of you who might be curious about my progress in the game, I beat Vicar Amelia the other day, as well as the Blood-Starved Beast. My current to-do list includes stop being scared of the Forbidden Woods, and beat Darkbeast Paarl.)

Recently, I started doing paintings. It's a very stress-light method of doing art for me because I really don't have any expectations for how a painting's going to turn out. Now if only my hands weren't so damn shaky, it'd make doing details a whole lot easier.

I'll share pictures of my paintings when the lighting in my room stops being ass. (It's been very cloudy these last couple of days.)

That's all for now.

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A thought

Jan. 6th, 2017 | 12:39 am
music: "St. Elmo's Fire" - Brian Eno

I wish I could be like a grub and just sleep in the dirt until I was a better, smarter, more attractive version of myself.

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2016 dump

Jan. 3rd, 2017 | 04:30 pm
music: "Xtal" - Aphex Twin

big image incomingCollapse )


In other news, I fixed the broken image links in the art tag. Turns out it wasn't photobucket's fault (shocking!) but my own. Sometime between then and now, I deleted all the art I had uploaded to photobucket for... some reason?? Well, they're all fixed now. (Though by the way some of them look... that might not exactly be a good thing.)

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Dec. 31st, 2016 | 03:32 pm
music: "Lips Like Sugar" - Echo & The Bunnymen

Okay, remember what I said almost five years ago? I retract that statement. I need somewhere to talk about my FEEEEELIIIIIINGS, and I'm trying to keep high on the minimalism on my deviantart, and tumblr... well... tumblr is inhabited by human tumors. You could almost call them HUMORS HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH cancer isn't funny and neither is that joke.

What brought this on? Well, late last night I had an epiphany and remembered that this blog (journal?) existed and stayed up until 3 am reading through it. (I wonder if a similar thing will happen another five years from now? HI FUTURE ME!!) It was a very strange experience because of how different I and the world are now. I also love how photobucket has changed how they do their image urls and now most of the images on here are broken. COOL.

Well I go and do this, and now I don't really know what to write about. Maybe about how my life is a total dead-end and I'm a hopeless person??? No thank you.

Maybe we should talk about 2016 instead since it'll be over in a few hours? I know everyone is like "OMG 2016 WAS SO BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!" but I've been... moderately okay with it. No year will ever be as bad as 2014. Like, most mornings in 2014 it took all I had just to get out of bed. Yeah...

But this is about 2016! I got into Metal Gear Solid this year. For years I was unsure of the series since I've been traumatized by stealth sections in other games, but then I saw the cutscene from MGS3 where the Cobra unit is first introduced, and I was like, "Yep, I gotta play this." (A certain dumpster husband helped, too. *points an accusing finger at icon*)

Anyways, I guess that's all I wanted to say. Bye for now!

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